Take notice of teen dating violence Published Feb. 1, 2012 By Amanda Pinkham Mental Health Resiliency Element SCOTT AIR FORCE BASE, Ill. -- Ann, an eighth-grade cheerleader, started dating John, a ninth-grade star football player. He was sweet, charming and attentive; they talked for hours on the phone every night, he brought her flowers and wrote her love notes, everything was perfect. John was Ann's first boyfriend so when he began telling her what she could wear and that she couldn't put on make-up and that she couldn't hang out with some of her friends, she didn't know if his behavior was unusual. She didn't know what to do when they got into an argument at school and he chased her and then pushed her into the lockers and punched her in the shoulder. Ann was so confused; John said he loved her and that he couldn't live without her so why would he be so mean? Regrettably, stories like this are becoming more and more common with today's tweens and teens. One in three adolescent girls in the U.S. is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner, and more than 30 percent of teenagers report knowing someone who has been physically abused by someone they were dating. While the statistics are staggering when it comes to teen dating violence the reality is that it isn't as widely known about or taken as seriously as it should be, with only 15 states having legislation regarding this issue. So how do we know when our tween or teen is involved in an abusive relationship? How do we know when it's not just "starry eyed teenage love?" Can you remember your first romantic relationship? For teens involved in abusive relationships hanging out with friends, talking to the opposite sex, being involved in other activities, even what they wear can be used by their girlfriend/boyfriend as an excuse to verbally, emotionally, physically or even sexually abuse them. This abuse has both immediate and long term effects on teens' behavioral, emotional and physical health. Teens who are, or have been, in abusive relationships have higher rates of depression, suicide attempts, alcohol and drug use, eating disorders and are more likely to do poorly in school. What are some of the signs that your tween or teen may be involved in an abusive relationship? Have they given up favorite activities and begun spending all of their time with their girlfriend/boyfriend? Does their girlfriend/boyfriend call/text constantly and if you ask your teen to shut their phone off or ignore it do they become overly upset? Does your teen apologize or make excuses for his/her partner's behavior? Have they casually mentioned the partner's violent behavior but then made a joke about it? Is your teen withdrawing from family and friends? Have they fallen behind in school or making excuses to not go to school? Does your teen come home with unexplained scratches or bruises? Are they afraid to break up with their partner because they fear they may be hurt or that their partner will harm themselves? If you have seen some of these signs, your tween or teen may be involved in an abusive relationship. If you believe your tween or teen is in an abusive relationship here are some steps you might take to help: Listen and talk openly without judging. Questions such as "Why don't you just break up with him/her?" simplifies the situation and breaking-up can actually place your teen in more danger. Take your teen seriously and acknowledge his/her feelings and the danger. Realize that it may take time for them to break up. If they are in obvious danger telling them not to see their partner is an option for parents. There are times when attempting to keep your teen away from their partner can put them in more danger. Your teen may also see this as you trying to control them too, and possibly harden their resolve to stay in the abusive relationship. Make a safety plan together, talk about what he/she can do in an emergency even if he/she won't admit that he/she is in danger. Be patient and don't give up on your teen even if they continue to date their abuser. Offer to go to court with him/her to obtain an Order of Protection. Gather information to help take effective action. Ultimately we want what is best for our children. Having safe and healthy relationships with others plays a large part in how are teens make choices that can have profound effects on their lives. Encourage them to be honest with you and provide support if they are involved in an abusive relationship. We can help prevent abuse together. For immediate help if you're involved in an abusive relationship: · Loveisrespect.org - National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline: 1-866-331-9474 or text Loveis to 77054. · Violence Prevention Center of Southwestern Illinois: 618-235-0892 · Illinois Domestic Violence Helpline: 1-877-863-6338 Td411 is an app for your cell phone that has information and resources on teen dating violence.